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I feel my eyes go blurry as tears fill over the brims. In moments, there is cool air on my face, cold air where the tears streaked, and finally the lump in my throat deflates enough to talk. ‘Why–why kill me?’ I feel his hand leave my neck as we stop. He pulls the silver case from me, and it makes a jingling clatter on the sidewalk as it breaks into halves, spilling cigarettes over the sidewalk. The sprinklers are on. The smell of freshly cut, wet grass is overpowering, but the world is just a blurry, shaky eight millimeter film to me, complete with sepia and scratches. I know this feeling. My mind is beginning to blank. The fear drowning in numbness, but the tears don’t stop. I’m not sobbing, but I wish I were. I feel his hand on my shoulder, pushing me to my knees, and my legs betray me as they thank him for the respite from standing. ‘Don’t worry,’ He soothes. ‘It will be entirely painless, and very quick.’ ‘I–I don’t want to die.’ I hear my voice echo in my head as the muzzle of. They hadn't done that before.I let my hands roam their nude backs and cheeks, spending a little time just to enjoy their touch before I had to get up and go to school.The memory of my dream gave me a moment of panic when the nude figure of my mom came into my room to tell me school had been canceled."And happy birthday, baby," she said kissing my forehead."Uhm, mom?" I said before she left the room."Hmm?" Can I ask you something?" Well, of course, dear. Is something wrong?" she said, coming back over to the bed."No, I don't think so, but... Are you, uhm, like going to get pregnant?"The shock on her face only lasted a few moments, then she sighed and sat down on the bed."Before I answer that, can I ask you why you're asking me?" Well, you and Joey haven't been messing around for, what, almost four months now. And even you and dad are cooling it a little. But I also remember you saying something to dad once about how you some times had wished I had been a little girl, just so you could.
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